Amazon Snack Boxes

“It’s like something from a Disney movie!” Denise Fielder exclaimed. She’s our regional manager, and she was talking to all of us over Zoom. She pulled up pictures from her phone of the animals in the courtyard. There were squirrels, birds, raccoons, and even a deer. They were mostly pawing through the discarded Amazon snack boxes that we had dumped in the garbage before the office lockdown.

I should probably start at the beginning, though. For Christmas 2019, our head honcho, Bill Strong, decided to gift everyone in the department snacks from around the world Amazon boxes. When we arrived at the Christmas party, there were Amazon snacks piled to the ceiling. It was nuts (and chips, and pork rinds, and other things).

Flash-forward to March of 2020, and the pandemic hit, forcing us all to start working from home. Suddenly, the snack box Amazon train halted, and none of us were getting that sweet hit of delicious candy and salty treats.

During our absence, the local wildlife started coming in. Denise would periodically check on the office and grab our Amazon snack boxes. Sometimes, though, the animals would get into the Amazon snacks before her. But, she didn’t mind. She would snap some photos and even try to feed the squirrels.

Little did we know that her actions would doom us all to a life of tyranny from our cute forest overlords. But I’m getting ahead of myself. It’s January 2021, and the animals are still cute and cuddly. We all comment on how cute they are during our daily Zoom session. One of the gals from HR wants to take a raccoon home. What a dumb b**ch.

Eventually, Denise set up a trail cam in the office courtyard so that we could live stream the animals when they would show up. Apparently, they had a full run of the place, as the motion-activated camera would stream practically all day and night. Over time, the animals started tearing into our snack box gift pile. Every time the delivery driver would drop off a gift a snack box Amazon, he would practically get assaulted by some furry creatures.

That should have been our first warning sign. But we were young and naive and didn’t think that Bambi and Thumper would cut a b**ch. Boy, were we wrong.

“Hey guys, I just learned that we are going back into the office next week!” Denise beamed. She was munching on her snack gift box that she had just wrangled from some hungry possums. We were all pretty excited to go back. If we knew then what we know now, we would have stayed home. Home with the best snack gift boxes money could buy.

I should probably explain the snack box situation too. After lockdown, our head honcho decided to send us all-new snack gift box subscriptions to our home. But, he didn’t stop the subscriptions from coming to the office. Hence, the animal control problem.

The day finally arrived when we would arrive at the office. We were greeted by the fuzzy friends, who acted as if they owned the place. We expected the squirrels and deer to move out of our way when we got to the door. But, they just stood and stared at us, much like we would stare at our customizable snack box when it would get delivered.

“Huh, that’s weird.” Mark Spielman commented as he walked through the door. The animals just stood frozen, but their heads moved with us. Denise was eating some customizable snacks as she came in, and it looked like a deer was licking its lips. But I might have been imagining the whole thing.

In the foyer was a custom snack box gift display. Apparently, our head honcho Bill decided that we all needed new snack boxes to welcome us back to the office. What is it with Bill and customize your own snack box subscriptions? Does he own stock in Amazon snack boxes or something?

That first day was relatively peaceful. I think it’s because the animals were sizing us up, trying to figure out if we would put up a fight or not. We’re a bunch of software and human resources cubicle farm workers.

Fighting is not part of our DNA, as we would soon discover.

One of our IT specialists, Rachel Maddox, was the first to get attacked by the “furry horde,” as I just started calling them. She was carrying an Amazon International snack box out to the courtyard for lunch. Rachel loved opening and eating her snacks with the lunch she brought from home.

But, the animals had other plans.

It started innocently enough. Some squirrels simply sat next to her, staring at the international snacks with hunger in their eyes. Rachel was just trying to be nice when she offered a bite of some Japanese candy. But that was a huge mistake. A few minutes later, we saw a flurry of furries ripping into the best international snack box on Amazon.

Rachel screamed and ran inside. We all watched in horror as sweet treats were gutted before our eyes. Well, that’s one international snack box gift down. How many more would succumb to the horde? (I’m trying to make that a thing, so start using it).

For a week or so, the animals went after the Amazon snack boxes with great zeal. No one could bring their box into the courtyard before the horde would swoop in. Finally, after about a dozen incidents, Carl Belamin had a bright idea - “what if we switch to Amazon snack box healthy? Maybe these animals don’t like healthy snack box ideas?”

It was worth a shot. We all raced to our computers and sent emails to our head honcho Bill. “Switch us to a healthy snack box Amazon!” Was the subject line. None of us put any text in the body of the email. Bill would understand.

And he did understand. A few days later, the first healthy snack box arrived. A deer sniffed the box in the delivery guy’s hands, then turned its head in disgust. If the snacks weren’t dripping with oil, fat, salt, or sugar, it wasn’t worth their time.

At first, we thought we’d won. These healthy snacks would save the day. Once again, though, we were dead wrong. Carl didn’t account for the fact that the animals wouldn’t be the only ones who despised healthy snack box ideas.

None of us liked these healthy “treats” either. Choking down some vegan chips and seaweed strips was almost as bad as getting mauled by a pack of wild squirrels. At least you could get a bite or two in before they would take over. This was truly torture.

“That’s it! I quit!” Rebecca Carlyle threw up her hands in disgust and marched toward the door. She had just witnessed one of the best snack boxes on Amazon get torn apart for the hundredth time, and she had had enough.

The room was silent as Rebecca grabbed her things and walked out. Sensing that they had defeated her, the animals simply let her pass in silence. All we could hear was the scraping of tiny claws on one of the best snack subscription boxes around. I don’t blame Rebecca for quitting. I was getting pretty close myself. The round of rabies shots we all had to get certainly didn’t help the situation.

“There has to be a better way!” Richard Perle, head of HR, stood upon his desk. “I’m tired of seeing the best snack box from around the world get devoured by the furry horde!” (It’s working!) “Enough is enough!”

A round of cheers erupted. If only Rebecca had stayed five more minutes. She might’ve decided to join in our crusade. “I’m going to show those pesky rodents who’s boss!” Denise Fielder shouted. She rolled up her sleeves, grabbed a snack subscription box, and marched outside.

She would be in the hospital later that afternoon. Those deer antlers are not as soft and rounded as they look.

August 18th, 2021. My birthday. At this point, half the office was back to working from home, and the other half was learning how to stitch up squirrel bites every other day. I was part of the defiant half, unwilling to accept defeat against the furry horde.

But, I knew that today might be a watershed moment. Our head honcho Bill told me that he was sending a special birthday snack box to the office. A birthday box for the ages. It would be twice the size of a regular snack box, and it would have all my favorite items.

I couldn’t let the horde destroy it. I wouldn’t let the horde destroy it. All of us in the office decided to band together to ensure a smooth birthday snack box delivery. I would open and eat the contents next to the window, just to stick it to those woodland creatures. They may be tough, but they can’t break through polycarbonate glass.

Finally, the time arrived. We all saw the Amazon truck pull up, and we knew what to do. We grabbed our makeshift shields and weapons (binders and pencils, mostly) and ran outside.

The next 10 minutes was a blur of fur, blood, screaming, and birthday snack box ideas. Somehow, I managed to sign for the box and start running for the door with it tucked under my arm. As I reached the entryway, I saw two co-workers get swarmed by squirrels and wild turkeys (when did they show up?). Their sacrifice would not be in vain.

The last of us enjoyed the birthday snack box as much as we could. The bloodthirsty horde watched our every move, hatred growing in their eyes with each bite. We knew that we could never leave this office again, but we didn’t care.

For a brief moment, we’d won.