Best Snack Boxes

I knew Hank long before I started working for him. Hank was the kid who would carve tic tac toe boxes all over the back of the school bus seats until he beat you, Hank was the kid who would try to barter his trail mix snack box (sans M&M’s) for your ice cream sandwich. Hank was the kid who stole from the book fair and got caught selling the merchandise at a discount out on the bus-loop. In other words, Hank always had his schemes. Some good, most bad, but always more. It was two years ago that we crossed paths again. I was at the SnakCo corporate headquarters waiting for an interview when Hank putzed into the lobby. I explained why I was there, he explained that I would be working under him if I got the job I was hoping for, and I was on my way out the door when my name was called. Against all my instinct I turned back around. I needed the money. Hank decided to interject himself into the interview and when he whispered into my ear, “Bet you ten dollars I can say meow nine times without the boss noticing,” I knew it was the same old Hank. On the way out of the interview room Hank filched two handfuls of snacks from the complimentary snack gift box. Now here we are, current day, and Hank’s habits are worse than ever. It’s become so bad that Hank has no more money to gamble away, and instead he gives away our product. I’ve resulted to hiding our best snack boxes up in the ceiling tiles so that our boss doesn’t put us out of business. His mantra is, “Yesterday and today are as distant as me and my ex-wife.”

Well, today he announced an office raffle. On the cover of the little crayon pamphlets he gave out was a customizable international snack box, meaning that included in the items on the raffle would be our very own product. I wish that was the end of the confusion surrounding this spontaneous raffle, but it was really just the beginning. Within the pamphlet were items such as: unopened pack of white socks, flowery shower curtain (negligibly moldy), and a baby crib. Yeah, a baby crib. Most of us didn’t want to enter the raffle considering the prizes but Hank bribed us with more SnakCo customizable snacks. As an office of people who have worked under SnakCo for years, it was like we had been brainwashed to love this stuff. One of our favorite things to say around the office was, “Customize your own snack box!” I can’t tell if it’s meant to be an insult or what, but we say it so much that I just don’t care. So once Hank offered us each a customizable snack box just for entering the raffle, it was history. Only the new intern had the will-power to resist the snacks and save himself.

I was playing paper football with Cubicle Craig, AKA The Cube, when Hank came rushing over and started nudging/punching me in the shoulder. I entered his office and noticed his face was like a freshly washed tomato. Empty trail mix bags were strewn across the floor, rats feasting on the leftover bits. Raisins nestled in the keyboard. On his computer screen read, “Gift a snack box amazon.” He leaned against his desk and his sweaty hands slipped from under him, “So we ran out of product a week ago. And I’ve been making snack boxes since then, but it’s not sustainable! I need you to order the best snack boxes on amazon for this raffle.” When I asked him how he managed to gamble away three warehouses full of snack boxes, he replied, “Yesterday ain’t today. We’re gonna turn it all around. Turn it all around,” all the while whirling his arms around his head like some snack wizard. I had to admire his level of delusion, and I had no other work to do since we were out of product, so I sat down and searched for any snack box amazon could supply within the next four hours.

While I was stuck shopping the subsections of snack subscription box and candy subscription box, Hank came in pushing a cast-iron bathtub on a cart, the tub filled with what appeared to be the raffle prizes. “Feast your eyes on this surprise prize!” he said as he waved his arms at the bathtub. I’ve now connected the dots on why Hank’s mother called the office calling her son a “bathtub burglar.” I turned back to looking for a snack subscription box healthy enough, but it looked like the only options were the snack subscriptions boxes UK provided, which would take even more from the company’s wallet. I tried not to give it my attention but meanwhile Hank had started to lay out the raffle prizes of the night. They ranged from a baggie of spare buttons to the bathtub. Coworkers started to gather around and inspect what they paid thirty dollars for the chance to win. Their faces didn’t look happy. The Cube was the first to outright criticize the raffle prizes, such a revolutionary that Cube was. It wasn’t long before Hank retreated to his office and locked the door and coworkers crowded the door like hungry zombies.

I just kept to my course and looked around the internet for healthy snack box ideas for adults, and specifically a healthy snack box no subscription involved. Whether he was a good friend or not, the jury was still out, but Hank was a friend nonetheless and I didn’t want to join in the angry mob against him. If I could help him get a healthy snack box or two, if healthy snack box ideas were what would maybe fix his life, then I wanted to help him get there. I had ordered twenty boxes which would somehow be shipped within the hour when Hank emerged from his office. In his hands were countless tiny cards of paper. He opened his hands and let them scatter across the floor. They were bets placed at the local dog track, dating back twenty years. As far as I could tell, every single bet lost. It was a phenomenon. How could someone be so reliably incorrect for twenty years? It made me understand Hank. After twenty years of being beat, he probably thought the only inkling of victory left was to get back up and try again, swearing this time would be different.

So the mob conceded and we consoled Hank as he curled up crying in the bath tub. He was like a little grown baby, half-asleep murmuring, “International snack box no subscription.” That’s when, almost as if summoned, a delivery man walked in shouting, “Best international snack box right here! Come get your international snack box full of international snacks. Did I mention they are international?” Hank jolted awake and noticed some coworkers started to pull their wallets out. Hank fell out of the bathtub and said, “No, please. Allow me.” Hank walked up to the delivery guy, took the snack boxes from him and put them down. Then he pulled his wallet from his back pocket, opened it, and slapped the delivery guy with it. Then he started barking and pounding his chest until the delivery guy ran out in tears. Interesting tactic. He turned slowly back to his workers and with a tear running down his cheek said, “There’s a couple Serbians that come to collect my debts every third Wednesday. That usually works on ‘em.” And the office erupted in “end of Disney movie” applause. Then we sat down and feasted on expensive international snacks all night.

In the end Hank did the right thing and returned us our money for the raffle, though he insisted the raffle buy-in was twenty-five dollars. Apparently the delivery guy dropped a free trial subscription box in his fear, so now the office has a month of free subscription boxes UK will be sending us. The Cube helped Hank put the cast-iron tub back in his mother’s house with a free snack box or two sitting in the tub. We never reported Hank because at his heart we know he is a good guy, he just needs to learn to accept a loss. In that regard we decided to help him. Every week now, one of us takes Hank to his Gamblers Anonymous meeting. This week is my turn. I am excited and proud in turns. I have known Hank for a very long time, I have seen him throw himself into a dark pit time and time again but now he has chosen to start to climb out. He told me he was going to speak for the first time this week because he was comfortable enough since I was taking him. I thought that was nice.