Cheap Snack Boxes  

Have you guys ever heard of "escape rooms?" It's a new fad where a group of people intentionally lock themselves into a space and try to solve riddles within a predetermined time frame. If you can't solve all the puzzles, you die (or something like that, if the movies are to be believed). I don't really understand the point of escape rooms, but apparently, my boss loves them.

So, she signed up the whole sales team to participate in an escape room. She says that it will bond us and help us be more productive. We sell cheap snack boxes over the phone - how much more productive can we be? I sell a snack subscription box practically every day, and I'm at the top of the leaderboard. So, if anything, I should be exempt from this dumb exercise.

But, she said that if we pass, we all get a snack box gift of our choice, and it doesn't even have to be from our company. So, we all begrudgingly accepted. Who doesn't love cheap snack boxes?

To enhance the escape room experience, the organizers had a group of masked goons come into our office and pretend like they were kidnapping us, complete with fake guns in our faces and yelling at us in foreign accents. They also put bags over our heads so that we couldn't identify where we were going. Jimmy "snack box gift" Todesky peed his pants and kept telling us, "this is totally real, you guys!" What a drama queen. The "goons" even pretended to knock him out. I'm sure he's in on the whole thing and just wants an excuse to take a nap during the day.

They drove us around for about an hour, then escorted us - still bagged - to our "escape room." When the bags came off, our jaws dropped.

"Is this a joke?" Melissa Gage, who sells the $1 snack box, cried out. The room looked exactly like our office. Well, a lot of the stuff was missing, like printers and computers and other valuables, but everything else was the same. Some of our desks even had our free trial subscription box sitting on them, taunting us with their cheap packaging.

The goons carried Jimmy into the escape room and dropped his body onto one of the break room couches. What a lazy douche. I can't believe they went through the trouble of adding fake blood to his head to sell the effect. I wonder how long he's been planning this. He had better wake up before we're all done.

"So, what are we supposed to do?" I asked. Everyone shrugged their shoulders. "I think we're supposed to look for clues or something?" Rebecca DeMineo, who handles the free trial offers with free shipping, replied. Since this escape room was a perfect replica of our office, we all returned to our desks.

Whoever organized this thing has a sick sense of humor. They even went through the trouble of putting identical family photos and tchotchkes on our desks in practically the same places we had them. Everything else was the same. Right down to the sticker that I had placed underneath my desk - "First month free subscription boxes 2021."

How did they know I had this sticker under my desk? What a bunch of sickos.

"I think I found something!" Charlie Potowsky, who takes care of the free subscription boxes UK, cried out. He was holding a piece of paper that he pulled out of his "desk." We all rushed over to get a closer look. That punk Jimmy was still in the break area, supposedly "bleeding out." I bet he had hooked up one of those blood pumps to his head to sell the effect. I can't believe I got his name for Secret Santa this year. I was going to get him a snack box from around the world, but now I'm just going to get him a one-time snack box instead.

"So, what does it say?" Francesca Lomelei, who takes care of international snack box one-time purchase orders, asked. "I don't know," Charlie replied, and he handed her the paper. Francesca's face went pale.

"It's a questionnaire about our jobs as salespeople. It's 30 questions. Maybe we need to answer these to get out of here?" She showed us the paper. How hard could it be? I snatched it from her hand and started reading. "Question one: if someone wants a free snack box from around the world, what steps do they have to take?"

The room fell silent. I didn't know the answer either.

"Okay, we'll circle back to that one." I started scanning the rest of the questions. Suddenly, a sense of dread crept up my spine. We're going to be here a while.

"Question 15: List all of the free sample boxes (free shipping 2021) in order." Our department supervisor Daniel Radcliffe (not that one) had taken over the questioning. After a full hour, we had only partially answered one question. I was starting to get hungry. I eyed the free snack box that was sitting on Francesca's desk. Would it be wrong if I took it and ate it? I'm not sure how long it's been there, but I'm pretty sure that the escape room people had placed it.

"Does anyone know the answer?" Daniel asked, exasperated. Shouldn't he know all the answers? He's our supervisor, after all.

"I think they are the best international snack box, the healthy snack box, and the candy snack box?" Charlie spoke up with hesitation in his voice. "No," Daniel answered, "there are 10 different free sample boxes (free shipping 2021). And you have to give the actual name, not just the generic type of box it is."

"Isn't our best international snack box called Terra Completa or something?" I chimed in. Daniel nodded his head, " Yes, all of our sample boxes use vaguely European-sounding names. That's one, so we only need nine more."

It was a grueling two and a half hours, but we managed to finish the entire questionnaire. Daniel wrote all the answers down on a sheet of paper and held it up for the escape room people to see. "Are we done?" He yelled, defiance dripping from his voice. There was no reply.

What kind of sick freaks were running this escape room? And would Jimmy ever decide to join? What a lazy punk. I'm really not getting him that customizable international snack box for Christmas this year. He's going to get a box of coal instead.

"I think I found another clue!" This time, Jared Fogel (not that one), who handles the customizable snack box section, cried out. He returned to the group with a paper in his hand. "What is it?" Daniel asked. "It's a 'customize your own snack box' challenge. I think we need to build a box with customizable snacks? Don't escape rooms usually have cooperative challenges?"

"Well, that sounds good enough for me. But do we even have enough food around here to customize your own snack box?" Daniel started looking around the office. "Spread out and bring everything over to my desk."

In a flash, we were off. We need to get out of this escape room soon, or we're all going to be some hangry mofos.

We all looked at the pile of snacks on the desk. The collective rumbling of our stomachs practically drowned out Daniel's words. He was going through the pile and describing what was there. It looked like mostly snacks from around the world, with a few domestic snacks sprinkled in.

"Is this everything?" Daniel asked. We all nodded in silence. "I'm sure that everyone's hungry, so we'll build the best snack boxes from around the world, then we'll eat the food afterward. I think we have to show proof of completion before we can do anything else." We all agreed.

"But what about Jimmy?" Geraldine Sky, who handled the snack boxes from around the world with no subscription, asked. We all turned to the break area, where a pool of fake blood was underneath Jimmy's body. "That lazy bum is fired as soon as he wakes up." Daniel scoffed. "Now, let's build some snack boxes from around the world. Everyone pair up, and let's go. We all know what these boxes are supposed to look like, right?"

A hush fell over the room. No one knew. This was going to be another long challenge.

"Okay, so this is supposed to be an international snack box, so we should put items from different countries inside of it." I was thinking out loud to my partner Jared. He just nodded in agreement. "Aren't we supposed to pack like straw and other filler to make the box more exotic?" He asked.

"I don't think that's necessary for a 'create your own snack box' challenge. Plus, we don't have any straw nearby." I decided that ours would be one of the best snack boxes ever. I would also have to take a picture somehow (the goons took our phones so we couldn't cheat). Who knows, maybe the higher-ups would be so impressed that they'd name the international snack box after me. Call it the Jeremiah Dentatta or something.

After a few minutes, I realized that this looked more like a candy snack box than anything. How is it that we only ended up with candy? My stomach growled again. Would it be bad if I ate one of these right now? That should be okay, right?

Suddenly, some random people walked into the office. One of them was carrying a briefcase. "Good afternoon, Snack Box Tech! We're here from Wild Escape Rooms. We're here to take you to your challenge today!"

Everyone froze. Was this part of the experience? Daniel walked up to the main guy. "I'm confused; we're already doing the escape room challenges?" He waved to the pairs of people building the best snack boxes they could. "Um, I don't know anything about that. We were told to come here at 1 pm. We have a bus waiting for you. Is that guy dead?" He pointed over to Jimmy.

Uh oh.