Corporate Christmas Gift Baskets

A stupid global pandemic revealed two types of people in the workplace. Those that embrace and understand technology, and those people who can barely turn on their laptops. Jackie was the latter.

It was pretty bad before COVID. I mean, Jackie would handwrite the corporate Christmas gift baskets list every year, and one of the interns would transfer it neatly to a spreadsheet that shipping could read without squinting.

When shelter-in-place started, the entire company had to hustle and invent new ways to work from home. We needed to find a way to catch the attention of those on staff who didn’t have basic computer knowledge in a way that wasn’t condescending.

The first shot at helping the Jackie’s in the world was to send out a gift basket for office staff with a handbook of procedures we were adopting.

Jackie made it clear, though, “They don’t pay us enough for this shit.”

And this clarification was made just for asking her to download and install Zoom and Microsoft Teams.

We were not even a solid two months in, and I was picking out weekly unique gift baskets for her that included little notes and hints on how to make the software work and what to do when her printer unpaired with her computer.

But, Jackie has a sense of humor, and during that first handful of months, that humor got us through being lonely and isolated.

Just wait, you’ll see.

For every home office gift basket that was sent to Jackie, the more ridiculous the notes we included got.

One included a 40-index-card set of technology tips and hints written in crayons. (We were all stuck at home. With our children. Who has crayons? And index cards? What else were we going to do?)

Another set of corporate gifts for employees included a couple of children’s books on computer basics.

Jackie would take a picture with the luxury corporate gifts. But they weren’t your typical thank you’s, either. She puts her humorous spin on our juvenile behavior.

While we were sheltered-in-place with our kids, Jackie had four felines that she loved more than we likely loved our human offspring.

So, Jackie would dress her kitties up in scarves or one of their silly ass sweaters and pose them doing office work.

Jackie finally got the gist of how to work Zoom and Microsoft Teams. And by gist, I mean she could connect. It was not always great, and sometimes she looked like a cat, but we at least got our meetings out of the way.

And, she learned how to make a luxury corporate holiday gifts spreadsheet . Mostly. Well, kinda.

Look, we were all doing the best we could.

Over about four months, we all got to know each other really well. I mean, our Zoom Happy Hours had gotten almost scandalous, and the gourmet gift baskets got more hilarious. But, a lot of us didn’t know one another until COVID hit, and we were all locked OUT of OUR offices.

Everyone now knew that I celebrated Taco Tuesday as faithfully as others went to Sunday Zoom services. And, we knew that Jackie’s favorite food staple was potatoes. Like, at every meal, the starch had to be present. (I couldn’t wait to finally try her gnocchi. It looked Gordon Ramsay good.)

The most unique corporate gift baskets didn’t have much to offer potato-wise. But we sure did try. But after a while, shit started getting weird.

We thought at first that Jackie’s humor was becoming literal because we were all going a bit stir crazy.

But, Jackie started acting like a potato. I mean, what does that even mean? It is not something I can explain, not really. But, it was happening, and before our very eyes.

Was it our gifts? Was it pandemic delusions? Was it her humor?

We started sending some of the best luxury gift baskets with self-care products and nothing potato-related.

But, it continued to escalate.

Let me throw in a disclaimer right fast.

COVID is never a laughing matter. However, we had to laugh at something. And, Jackie had been a fun target for nearly a year.

The gift baskets for employees working from home were always a great surprise, and they had turned into an outlet for our pandemic worries and stress.

Jackie, who was slowly but surely turning into an actual potato, was now a team leader. (The wonders of someone finally learning how to input data cells.)

(Hint for others: She practiced using the employee gift baskets under $25 we sent one another over the last year.)

The isolation had somehow brought us all closer, and we talked about meeting up at Starbucks one day. We discussed never wanting to see another gift basket for the group again. What did we need with another customized sticky note pad?

And, most importantly, would Jackie really be a potato?

Let me describe what she was turning into right fast, so you’ll understand why we were so baffled.

Jackie had a hundred eyes. Tiny, lashless things that would blink at us on digital conference calls. We thought at first it was a virtual background feature, but when we would ask, Jackie honestly had no idea wtf we were talking about, which wasn’t really a shock. I mean, come on.

Our Zoom happy hours turned into us all squinting at Jackie and trying to figure out why her edges had begun to expand and turn a dirty yellow.

Here is the thing, though. Jackie wasn’t gaining weight, per se. And, she didn’t look like she was in liver failure. (Cause, also not a laughing matter.)

Jackie was just turning into a potato. There is literally no other way to say it.

And, we started to express our concern. It isn’t like we were talking shit behind her back. Jackie was literally the nicest person on staff, and she was turning into a fantastic team leader. Her spreadsheet for corporate gifts was evolving into data entry art.

We had a super soft spot for Jackie (no pun intended). And, it’s kind of crazy not just for her, but for all of us too. We were supposed to come up with gift basket ideas for business clients. All we could do was escape into the rabbit hole of why is Jackie turning into a potato?

The office even started to use her corporate gifts ideas to develop a conspiracy. Have you ever heard of gematria? Neither had we until we all caught it.

The world started opening up, and during a regularly weekly Microsoft Teams meeting, we started talking about the restaurants that we were enjoying. (One of the best office gift baskets we had gotten had gift cards for local restaurants in anticipation of this day.)

So, I treated myself and went to a spectacular Drag Brunch. When I started to describe the wonderful food, things got weird.

Jackie brought up her homemade potato hash and how much her family loved it when she cooked it. Even her kitties liked the leftovers.

I still feel like the unique gift baskets we sent her played a part in this insanity.

After the awkward silence was broken, we called the meeting over and done. Would you believe my Slack DM’s lit up? Oh yes, we were back down the rabbit hole and speculating about whether she would be a potato when we met her.

At least her corporate gift baskets for clients database was beautifully done. (We cross-referenced that list to hell, trying to make sense of any of this.)

While we were all trying to solve a puzzle, Jackie would send us some of the best custom gift baskets and tell us how great we were as a team.

Jackie would finish her various spreadsheets and paperwork and email us all with updated lists, including a new one with luxury corporate gifting companies to make life easier for the sales team (Clients have to be happy for us to be happy. And customized corporate gifts make them happy.)

And then, Jackie would spend her spare time perusing Amazon for special gift baskets for us. If Amazon treated their own employees this well, maybe they would be happier employees.

COVID made our office into a family. We may not all be potatoes, but we are proud of Jackie the Tater. And, we can’t wait to taste her potato hash.

We’ve still not all met one another. Because the world is opening up, but a lot of us are happy with remote work. And, what else are we going to do at the virtual water cooler? You say potato, I say potato.