Unbeatable inexpensive gift ideas for clients

So I have this new client, and she seems like a big spender so I am really trying to make a good impression on her. I was thinking I would send her a gift. Something cheap though, I already dumped most of my last paycheck at the greyhound track. So I search for gift ideas for clients inexpensive on the internet. The stuff all looks fine and dandy, but far too expensive still. I mean, anything over two dollars and thirty-three cents is too expensive right now. I’m deep in the hole at the greyhound track, the owners on my back about unpaid debt, I got guys in black Suburbans tailing me daily. This $2.33 was the change for my two chicken sandwiches from McDonald’s this morning. My last supper for a while it seems. So I get in my car to drive to the store, but I’m already below the E on gas. On my walk there I take the backroads to dodge the Suburbans. When I get to the store I see two-for-one scratch-off tickets. I figure, hell, I can afford four of these then, and I only need one to be a winner. So I spend two bucks and use my quarter to scratch them. No dice, no dice, no dice, but the last one is a winner for five bucks. I’m up big now. Two big Serbian guys with leather jackets walk in the store and eye me in the mirror. I run for the back door and escape, but before I can even get out of the parking lot I am cut off by one of the Suburbans. A red-headed guy with a cleft lip tells me he’s going to fork stab me if I don’t get in the car.

I tell this guy to back off, I’m looking for gift ideas for clients during covid, it’s a stressful time enough as it is. This guy says, “Client gifts during covid, huh? I’ll give you a gift.” Then one of the Serbian guys stabs me in the arm with a fork and shoves me in the car. Someone puts a bag over my head, Serbian dance music is blaring in my ears, there’s a goat bleating in the trunk. I’m at a loss for words. I accept that my actions have finally caught up with me. The car stops and they pull me out, I stumble and recognize the smell of the earth. It’s the dog track. How appropriate. I was born on a dog track, I lived for the dog track, it’s only right that I die at the dog track. I say as much to my abductors when they pull the bag off my head. The red-head is standing in front of me. “I’m Jonny, I work for the owner of this here dog track, and the only problem bigger than your debt to us is…we don’t know what gifts to send to clients during covid.”

All of a sudden I’m in a bunker beneath the dog track, chewing on a marker in front of a whiteboard, thinking up creative client gifts that the dog track can send it’s most respected patrons. I started with creative gift ideas under $10, but Jonny fork stabbed me and reminded me that they aren’t broke. So I’m coming up with unique client gift ideas, I’ve got fork wounds in both arms, and there’s no air conditioning down here. I’m miserable. I miss my new client, Sandy. Four hours later the whiteboard is filled but Jonny fork stabs me and says I have forgotten to consider creative digital gifts. I don’t even know what that means, I sold my office computer years ago for lottery tickets. I see that Jonny and the Serbs are growing very upset, they are pulling the forks from their holsters. I decide to make a run for it. I dash up a flight of stairs and find myself in the kennel. I duck into a cage but don’t check which one. The cage I fall into turns out to be Hercules’ cage, the reigning champion, and his rapturous leg-humping alerts Jonny and the Serbs.

The next four months are agonizing. Serbian dance music becomes common as my heartbeat. That damn goat is always somewhere nearby but I can never see him. Day in and day out I am coming up with ideas for Jonny and the Serbs, but I’m secretly making a list of client gifts under $10 so that when I get out of here I can get Sandy the best, most unique gifts under $10 I can. I’m thinking of funny gifts under $10, I’m recalling any information I know about Sandy from our one meeting and creating personalized gifts under $10. I’m rebelling from Jonny and the Serbs within my mind, and that is what is keeping me sane. I hear the crowds shout overhead when a race is happening, but I don’t even care that I’m missing out on it, I’m too focused on holiday client gifts under $10. I’m planning out Sandy’s gifts years in advance. Nothing can break me now. I have bested Hercules, hidden all the forks, I have even made a mental map of the facility and I am closing in on where the goat is. I decide that tomorrow is the day I break out.

I break away from my deep dreams of unique corporate gifts, leap off the soggy cot I’ve been living on for months, and begin my elaborate escape plan. I call the first Serb over and ask him what I’m supposed to be doing again. As angrily he answers, “Personalized client gifts,” I leap and fork stab him in the arm. He collapses in a puddle of tears. Pathetic. In the next room I ask the second Serb the same question, to which he answers, “Personalized gifts for clients.” Then I fork stab him. He’s inconsolable. It’s hilarious. Lastly I enter what I suspect to be the goat room, and Jonny’s in there. I ask him the same question. He begins to say, “Meaningful gifts for clients,” but his voice trails off as he notices my arm raise, a fork in my hand. Then I go and release every dog from it’s cage, even my nemesis Hercules. I have learned a lot about life in these past long few months. I feel like I have understood these poor dogs like never before. I repent my years of dog track betting, and I now understand that nothing deserves to be held captive.

Standing in the empty kennel, in the bowels of the dog track, I decide to erase all the work I had done thinking of gifts for clients during covid for Jonny and the Serbs. No more corporate gifts for clients during covid, no more holiday gift ideas for clients during covid. My debt has been paid and then some, they will have to come up with some corporate gift baskets during covid themselves. I also run upstairs, find the cash safe, and take a fair amount from it. Then, for good measure, I commit a little arson in the bleachers of the dog track. Nothing like burning down the place you were held captive in for four months. I get out of there and start to walk back to the office. I don’t even know what I look like after four months, I may be unrecognizable. I walk past my frightened coworkers and sit down at my desk and dial Sandy. I apologize for the four months of radio silence but I would love to meet with her again and discuss her relationship with the company. As I hang up I hit the internet for gift ideas more than $10.

Luckily Sandy was out of town and could not meet me for a month. I had time to remove my Tom Hanks “Castaway” appearance and get back to my real self. I also had time to find a great list of digital gifts for clients. I sifted through the free digital gifts and free virtual gifts to get to the real valuable virtual gifts, because I realized that I owed my freedom to Sandy. Without my focus being on getting her to sign with the company, I would have never made it all that time with Jonny and the Serbs, Hercules and the goat. Now I have turned around my life from being in debt to a dog track to being employee of the month. So maybe some things are more important and worthy of spending money on than a stinking dog track. Yes, there is a pack of greyhounds wreaking havoc on the town. Yes, there is also a gang of Serbians invading the town. Yes, I am terrified of eating anything but finger foods and soup because of forks. And yes, I have accidentally fallen in love with my client Sandy. It’s a messy situation, but that’s life.