Monthly Snack Box  

The COVID-19 pandemic has hit all of us pretty hard. In a flash, we went from having boring meetings in the Rebel Base conference room to having the same sessions over Zoom. To be honest, the transition was pretty awesome, as it's much easier to zone out and fall asleep when you can just turn your camera off.

One thing we noticed during these meetings is how hungry we get when our boss starts talking. Part of it is because she got a potato filter stuck on her face, but the other part is that these meetings can last several hours at a time. Without snacks, most of us would starve to death. Thankfully, Brenda in accounting got us all monthly snack subscription boxes. They've been (sometimes literal) lifesavers.

Sometimes, before the meeting, we'll show off our monthly snack box and compare what's inside. Phil got a gluten-free snack box subscription, so his foods are always somewhat sad, much like Phil himself. Brenda actually got the best snack subscription box, as it's candy and sweets from around the world. Most of us are pretty jealous.

But, no one is more jealous than our boss, who we've dubbed "the potato lady." Somehow, during our first meeting, she got a potato filter stuck on her camera and didn't turn it off. At first, we thought she was just allergic to technology, but as the months progressed (marked by our delicious monthly snack box subscriptions), she still couldn't figure out how to turn it off, so she just ran with it. Now, every meeting is led by a potato, and we're not exactly sure how we feel about it. In the beginning, she lamented the filter, saying that they don't pay us enough to deal with issues like this. She'd also talk about "when we're back in the office," like it was happening any day now. But that day still hasn't come.

But, one thing's for sure - we're not starving anymore. Thanks, Brenda.

One time, our boss logged on early and caught us sharing our snack boxes. Brenda was in the process of showing off her snack box from around the world, and suddenly, a potato was staring right at us. We froze, not sure what to do. Our boss (her real name's Jessica, I'm pretty sure) asked what we were all doing, but we stayed frozen. "Is my computer not working?" she asked.

Dead silence. All eyes were on both the potato and the snacks from the around the world box. The potato kept asking if we could hear her, but no one responded. It was a very "Jurassic Park" kind of moment. She can't see us if we don't move. Finally, she decided that it was her computer and logged off so that she could log in again.

"Look, it's candy from around the world!" Brenda cried as she showed off some kind of peppermint thing from Argentina. I didn't catch the name, but I knew that I had to get my own exotic snacks from around the world. Brenda couldn't be the only one with Argentinian candy. When the potato came back on, I was already checking out my snack box. Next month was going to be so tasty.

"Did you guys hear me when I was on before?" the potato asked. We all shook our heads and pretended like we didn't know what she was talking about. Being used to having technological issues, the potato shrugged her shoulders and started the meeting. Crisis averted.

As the months progressed, there became something of an arms race between the snack boxes. Once people caught a glimpse of my exotic sweets box, the floodgates opened. Brendan from HR bought a healthy snack box and suddenly developed a superiority complex. As we chowed down on our candy and pastries, Brendan would open his healthy snack subscription box and pull out a Kind bar or something like that. "I'm getting vital nutrients," he'd say, smarm oozing out of his mouth.

The potato lady also developed a complex, but not one of superiority. Instead, she started acting more and more like a potato. Well, a potato if it could talk and have a personality. She'd go on and on about her "tater tots" and how much she loved dirt. None of us could remember her affinity for dirt before, but maybe it just never came up in conversation. But talk of soil and gardening gave some other people healthy snack box ideas.

Within a couple of months, gone were the days of snacks from around the world. Instead, everyone started showing off their healthy snack subscription box 2021. All the while, the potato lady kept blurring the line between human and tuber. She'd start to say things like "I think I'm sprouting" and "are these mold spots on my skin?" At first, she'd laugh afterward, but now she seems like she's really asking, and we're not sure how to respond.

Now that we're a year into the COVID-19 pandemic, we've all had to reassess a few things. I learned that wearing a mask at the gym is much harder than I would have thought, and I also realized that I could buy my snack box on Amazon. Sorry, I meant I could order it from Amazon. I discovered that after the potato lady bought us all the best snack boxes on Amazon for Christmas. We're not sure if she got the idea from when she caught us or if her potato-addled brain decided that food was the best gift.

Anyway, I got a snacks from around the world Amazon box, which is surprisingly similar to the one I ordered before. Coupled with the healthy snack box Amazon, I think I have like six or seven boxes coming every month. These things are harder to cancel than I thought. But, on the upside, I don't have to go to the grocery store anymore.

Unsurprisingly, the potato lady ordered herself a potato-themed monthly snack box. She's started showing off the treats at the beginning of meetings, saying things like "oh, it's cousin Freddy!" or "I wonder what I would taste like if I were sliced up and deep-fried?" We're pretty sure she's joking, but some of the comments are pretty dark, considering that she believes she's really a potato now. I wonder if she would still act that way in person? You know, if we ever do return to the office?

The internet brings the whole globe to our fingertips. In an instant, we can learn about other countries, cultures, and backgrounds. Now that I have three snacks from around the world boxes (my wife also bought me one for Christmas), I feel like I'm an international traveler. I've sampled foods from 112 different countries at this point, so I'm a bit of an expert. I feel like I could build my own international snack box with no subscription necessary.

Speaking of an international snack box gift, the potato lady's antics are getting kind of sad. Some of us think that she keeps up the ruse just to get attention. Since we've all become kind of obsessed with our monthly snack boxes, the meetings have rarely been on track lately. I think our stock price has been dropping steadily, but I'm not sure. At this point, I only count time based on when I get snacks from around the world. One time, a box was two days late, and I thought the world was ending.

So, now I kind of understand where the potato lady is coming from. This pandemic has been hard for everyone, and even with international snacks, the lack of human contact is becoming more isolating. "You love those snacks more than me!" my roommate says.

At this point, it's been 14 snack boxes since the start of the pandemic. Last month, our group was rocked by the introduction of the Graze box. I think it was Phil who got it as a way of showing up everyone else at the meeting. Graze snacks are delicious and healthy, and the company rotates its offerings regularly so that you never get the same snacks twice. Of course, if there's something you really like, you can buy it from the Graze website.

Even the potato lady started getting Graze boxes delivered. She loved that they're all-natural, "just like her," she says. Although, technically, aren't we all organic and all-natural?

Speaking of organic, my roommate and I went out to a restaurant for our anniversary. She insisted, saying that we'd get a divorce if I didn't go (what a weird thing for a roommate to say). It was an organic cafe, and I had their potato hash. I was talking about the experience with the group when everyone went silent. Even though we were on a digital meeting, all eyes turned to the potato lady. She looked sad.

Whoops. At least we still have our Graze snack box. Did you know that the company is looking for brand ambassadors?

Well, it's finally time for us to go back to the office. We return in two snack subscription boxes, and I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. On the one hand, I don't think I can get the best snack subscription boxes delivered to my cubicle, so I'll have to wait until I get back to my apartment (my roommate kicked me out). But, on the other hand, I really want to see the potato lady in person. When she heard the news, she was ecstatic. She even bought us all snacks from around the world with no subscription, just snacks.

And yet, she still acts like a potato. I think her tater tots are all grown up now with tots of their own? I don't know; it's hard to gauge how long it's been. Before my roommate kicked me out, she recommended that I buy a healthy snack box with no subscription. She said that the healthy snacks would help my brain function better. "But, how will I know the passage of time?" I responded. She didn't say anything.