Movie Night Snack Box

Today is the day. The Company is visiting the White House by invitation of the President himself. If anyone asks why the Company has received such a prestigious honor, it is due to a recent episode of heroism in the midst of a sinkhole catastrophe. No further questions on the subject. While the whole branch was invited to attend, the Company van only fit twelve. After a quick lottery, these twelve winners feel especially lucky and rub their victory in the faces of the ones who would be left behind. It isn’t until the D.C. bound dozen are on their way out that they notice the movie night snack trays, and on top of each movie night snack tray is… a movie night snack box. Could these dozen poor souls have forgotten the season finale of the office-wide favorite show “Everyone In This Dies and You’re Gonna Love Every Second Of It”? Faces turn pale as the company van pulls away. Dan in the back row snuck a movie snack box or three from the office, which leads to the other eleven mauling him for some. Everyone rushes to download viewing apps on their phones. Poor service leads to screaming and hair yanking. One bad speed bump causes Terri to drop her phone out the window. She choke-holds the driver until he pulls over and lets her out. Best of luck to Terri wherever she is. The rest of the drive is spent debating which movie night snack ideas are best, and which snacks will be snuck into the White House. When the eleven arrive they all have phones in hand. Security pulls Dan from the line because his ear is bleeding from the van mauling. He sways on his feet and security sits him down in another room.

It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. The Company was going to watch the season finale together with all the good movie snacks besides popcorn because really, it’s 2021, get original with your movie night snack tray ideas. That was the plan. But then that sinkhole had to go and sink right beneath that animal shelter across the street. Now ten poor souls are stuck gawking at old paintings of men in powdered wigs. Larry checks his wristwatch. The show starts in thirty minutes, just as they are scheduled to meet the president. He can’t believe all the good movie night snacks at home that won’t be eaten. He calls his wife, tells her to stock up the car and put 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in the GPS. And if she has anymore brilliant movie night snack box ideas, by all means, capitalize on them. The group is led into another room, one that Lincoln slept in or something. Gertrude juts her phone inside and finds there is strong service. She ducks the velvet rope and slides beneath the bed with her phone in hand. The other nine watch in envy, eyes darting everywhere for their own sanctuary for finale viewing.

The Company Boss, Bosswoman McMemo, gives Dan a call to inquire how everything is going. The story is that she is ill at home, but in truth she knew the finale was today and planned ahead. She is drinking a mimosa and planning her order for movie night snack box delivery. Dan is in an interrogation room being questioned about why he walked into the White House bleeding out of his ear. He can’t reach the phone right now. Bosswoman calls Terri, no answer. Bosswoman calls Gertrude. Gertrude answers in a hushed whisper, “Yes I was inquiring about your movie night snacks delivery service?” Bosswoman is taken aback, “Gertrude, it’s your boss, Bosswoman McMemo. How are things at the White House?” Gertrude stifles a sneeze caused by a rogue dust bunny. She tells Bosswoman the White House is stuffy. Satisfied that the group at least reached the White House, Bosswoman hangs up. She walks over to her cabinet and reveals her treasured combo movie popcorn trays and her movie snack box template, then she picks up the phone again to place her order. The list of items order by Bosswoman McMemo have been struck from the record. No further questions.

Meanwhile: Sharon ducked into a bathroom and locked the door, Wally faked a heart attack, and Chris googled and recited aloud every folly and pitfall in Grover Cleveland’s life pre, mid, and post-presidency. He, and his popcorn boxes, were promptly kicked out. The six remaining are about to meet the president, and the show is set to start in two minutes. Faces are red, snack boxes are crushed in waistbands, hands are sweaty. When the walk into the oval office they hear a stern voice shout, “I need my movie night snacks healthy dad gummit! I’m seventy-seven years old I can’t take bacon wrapped chocolate like the old days.” The six exchange looks. Could it be that the president is a “Everyone In This Dies and You’re Gonna Love Every Second Of It” fan? The president sees them and says, “Oh! I apologize. Presidential duties can be…straining, at times.” He slides a book off his desk and into a drawer but not before Jasmin catches the title, “Home Cinema Snack Box Specialties.” The president says that they will have to make this quick, he has a meeting in less than a minute that he simply cannot miss.

Jasmin decides to call his bluff, “This meeting wouldn’t happen to be in the presidential movie theater, would it?” The president stops in his tracks. How could she know that? “I saw your diy movie night snack box book. By Bobby Thawl, yes? That’s rookie work. We can show you what a real diy movie snack box looks like.” Jasmin reveals from seemingly thin air her own movie night snack box diy bundle. Tears roll down the president’s cheeks, security guards faint, White House staff avert their gaze from the blinding, heavenly light shining from it. “You’re going to watch the season finale of ‘Everyone In This Dies and You’re Gonna Love Every Second Of It’ aren’t you? So are we. Let us join you and I will personally teach you the ancient craft of diy favor boxes templates.” The president checks his watch. It’s time. But he must be sure of these six strangers he only just met. He whirls on them, “Tell me, what did Princess Glib Glob say to the village folk below, just before the ice troll threw her off the mountain?” Jasmin scoffs, recites with fervor, “This is embarrassing. I swear he’s never like this.”

They make it to the theater just in time for the show. The finale is everything they could’ve dreamed of and more. Literally every character dies. It is magnificent. Movie night snacks are devoured, including the last-minute movie night snacks Larry’s wife smuggled in. Shoutout to Larry’s wife. The president weeps in his seat, remembering that he won’t have to worry about movie theater snacks prices for another two years. It is in that very moment that he promises himself that he will campaign for a second term. The deals are just too good. Then he leans over to Jasmin and offers her a full time job not only in the White House but in his personal Cabinet. A new station will be created for her area of expertise. Her first order of business will be to find the best low calorie movie night snacks available and hide them away in Mount Vernon. Nations will die and new nations will rise from their ashes. Time will slowly handhold every living thing into infinite death. The planet will rot and erupt and wither and the universe itself will fray at the seams. But the movie night snacks will live on.

They dump their movie tray boxes on the way out and Jasmin vows to enact a bill for reusable movie snack trays. On the way out Sharon emerges from the bathroom with mascara running down her smiling face. “Pretty good show,” she concludes. They see Gertrude escorted out in handcuffs. Apparently when King HabberKneeScabber died she kicked a hole in the bed frame she was under. The group looks into the interrogation room where Dan is consoling a guard whose favorite character was Duke Dart Hairbrush, who obviously also died. He escapes and joins the group. Out front is Chris, all smiles. Wally is somewhere in a hospital nearby, phone in hand and movie food tray in lap, rewatching the episode for any small details he may have missed. Jasmin waves goodbye to the Company as they roll away in the van. When they get back to the office they step over empty movie popcorn trays to find their coworkers in a heated debate about the finale. They join immediately. As for the whereabouts of Terri, nobody knows. Her last sighting was at a bus station outside D.C., screaming in the rain with a broken phone in her hand.