Protein Snack Box

It was the best day of my life. That day started like any other. I woke up in my room tucked deep in my mother’s basement, showered, and then grabbed the high protein snacks she left for me in the fridge. I jumped on my bike and rode to work. It turns out my boss was gone. The radio station he makes all of us listen to had a contest. The first time you heard the words “protein boxes Starbucks” you had to call in to win the big prize. They said it, he called, he won, well, we all did, really. Once he found the award was a trip to Las Vegas, he left, protein snack box and all. Quit his job and ran off to become a professional poker player.

Well, it turns out corporate didn’t get the memo because suddenly, there was no one in charge. Of course, that bossy woman in the third cubicle tried to take over, but we were not having it. We sent her to the store to pick up some high protein snacks then locked her out. The protein boxes Starbucks contest had changed our lives for the better, and we were not letting her ruin that party. I had my protein snack box Mom made for me and was willing to share.

With the boss gone, for good, we hoped, my best friend Barney started talking about this board game he had been dying to play. He said he found it in his attic. It must have belonged to the people that owned the house before him. This was starting to sound a little familiar, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I reached into my protein snack box and pulled on one of the high protein snacks thinking it might give me a little memory boost. That’s a real thing. I know I read it on the internet, and we all know if it’s on the internet, it must be true. That’s why protein boxes Starbucks sells are so popular. #truestory

Barney and I were not the only ones looking to get paid for doing nothing. Who wouldn’t want that, right? The whole office was goofing off. That first day we spent mapping out high protein snack box ideas bound to make us rich. It turns out Barney didn’t have the game with him, which was fine with me. I shared my protein box ideas with him and a few others. They each had a few healthy snack box ideas of their own.

Barney and I were especially inspired by the protein gift box we received from the bossy lady, who we eventually had to let back into the office. We spent that first day planning our personal protein snack box empire, where we became rich selling high protein snacks. That got old pretty fast, though, because neither one of us knew anything about business. By day two, we were looking for other things to do. The girl in cubicle four, the one I’ve been crushing on for five years but whose name I could never remember, brought in some movies. They mainly were romantic comedies. Not my type of story, but I watched her while she watched the movie. It was not nearly as creepy as it sounds, though.

Barney brought his game in on the third day. We all thought it might be interesting to play—none of us had seen it before, although I was still haunted by deja vu. I tried distracting my mind as the hairs rose on the back of my neck. I wrote down some healthy breakfast box ideas that Barney and I could add to our protein snack empire. I looked at the game box top that someone had set next to me on the couch and noticed an ad for a healthy protein snack box. I realized right then that we were all a little obsessed with healthy high-protein snacks. Still, the game looked interesting as soon as I looked at the board, though the lousy feeling returned.

It became pretty clear that this was no ordinary game with the first roll of the dice. Barney rolled snake eyes, and suddenly hornets came out of the ceiling tiles above us. I dived into the corner, grabbing my legal pad full of high-protein lunch ideas for work. I looked up and noticed Barney was gone. All that was left of him was his list of breakfast box ideas for adults that he wanted to add to my list. Protein boxes ideas were flowing freely from us both. Well, that is until Barney disappeared, I guess.

He was my best friend and future business partner. I looked down at my list of protein box ideas and said, “What the heck? I’m going in.” I felt like I had no choice but to find Barney or work in a cubicle forever. Once the hornets flew off, I could hear other people in the building screaming, so I was pretty sure it was safe; I stood up and walked over to the game. It was the first time I noticed the board was covered with protein box lunch ideas and breakfast box ideas for adults. That’s weird, I thought.

I looked over at the girl I had been crushing on. Her eyes said everything. They pleaded with me not to do it. Her head shook slowly to reinforce the message. I knew, though, that homemade protein snack boxes were my future, and Barney was part of it. I had no choice. I picked up the dice and rolled. For a second, time stood still. I could hear the wind roaring in my ears, and all I could smell was protein snacks. That’s weird, too, I thought. Just as my mind started to wander to ideas for high-protein snacks for travel, a whitewater river crashed through the office coming out of the men’s bathroom.

As I grabbed for something to keep me from being carried away, I looked over at my girl. She was reaching for a chair, but it fell over, dumping her protein snacks out. I saw her eyes widen, and she looked my way, right before the water took her. Just as I was reaching for her, I felt something brush against my leg. I stared into the water and saw what looked like fish – ravenous fish. They were piranhas. The fish went right for the homemade protein snack boxes that were floating in the river. I was a little worried about what they would do when the protein snacks were gone, though.

I saw a note float out of one of the protein box containers, and I grabbed it. “You must keep playing to end the game.” A chill ran through my body. It may have been the cold water, but I couldn’t be sure. I saw another note in a 4-compartment snack container. It said, “It’s not the cold water. You're scared, you idiot.” “Okay, thanks for clearing that up,” I replied to the note. In that same 4-compartment plastic container, I saw a bag of peanuts. I grabbed it and tore it open with my teeth. “I’m going to need some energy if I’m going to beat this game.”

“Everyone, look in the protein box containers and grab whatever you can find to eat. This is going to be a long game.” They nodded as they each reached for the nearest snack containers with compartments and took out food. I saw the guy who works in the cubicle next to me take two snacks out of a 4-compartment snack container and eat both. I never liked that guy.

Once everyone was ready, we played. I can’t tell you what happened next. My memory is fuzzy. Men on horses chased us with protein box containers strapped onto their saddles. When I asked one of them about the snack containers with compartments, he said, “We have mothers who love us, too.” I nodded. Of course, they had mothers who filled up a 4-compartment snack container for them too. Suppose anyone could understand that it was me. My mom had been making me high-protein snacks since I was in kindergarten.

I spent the entire night fighting my way through the office jungle, looking for my best friend and my girl. The only time I stopped was to eat something out of my high-protein box. The last time I sat down and opened my DIY protein box, everything changed. The jungle faded, and I saw my boss leaning over me as I lay on the floor. I looked around the office. There was Barney and the girl whose name I couldn’t remember. She was eating out of one of those protein boxes for lunch and shaking her head. “What a deeb.”

“What happened?” “Got me,” said my boss. I just got back from vacation and found you lying on the floor holding a high-protein box. I took that, by the way, and ate the food in it. I figured that was the least you could do since you apparently got everyone riled up playing some game, and no work got done. I guess you must have bumped your head. I can call 911 if you want, or you could just get to work developing high protein bento box ideas. Your call, but you can’t have your DIY protein box back, dude. I’m keeping it.”

Barney told me that he had gone into the bathroom while we were playing, and the toilet overflowed. I don’t know what really happened that day, but I like my version of the story better than his, so I’m sticking with it.