Send Snacks to Team International

It was a day like any other. I remember it was a hot summer day when I walked into the office. I knew what I was going to do - I was about to send snacks to team international when I came across Gerard’s desk.

Smack! Smack! Smack!

What was that entrancing sound? “Snack gift basket delivery!” I shouted as I came around the corner. Suddenly, I came face to face with a portable TV (the kind with the antenna) and a game on the screen.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“Oh, that’s Wimbledon,” Gerard replied nonchalantly. “Wimbledon?” I asked. “Yeah, it’s a tennis match in England.”

“England?”

“You’ve never heard of England? It’s a country across the Atlantic Ocean. Or, ‘across the pond,’ as they’d say over there.”

What a fascinating place. This “England” already piqued my interest, and I was desperate to learn more. But, first, I had to deliver gift boxes for remote employees, then snag a snack box from around the world, and I would return to Gerard’s desk. I knew it would be a fantastic day, but I had no idea how deep I would go down this particular rabbit hole.

None of us did.

“So, tell me more about this England and Wimbledon, Gerard.” I came back to his desk, munching on some Spanish chocolate.

“Well, Wimbledon happens every summer, and it’s a match between the best tennis players in the world. You want to watch a few minutes? I’m not really going to work today.”

I settled in and stared at the ridiculously small screen. Even with such a small size, I felt like I was right there in the thick of it.

“Twenty love.” The announcer spoke in a manner I had never experienced before. It was like his words were better than my words, and they were being smug about it.

“What’s that sound?” I asked. “Oh, that’s an English accent.” Gerard adjusted the volume a bit so that I could hear better.

From that moment on, I knew that I had to be like the English in every way. Little did I know that I would start a craze that would encircle the entire office.

“So, apparently, England is only one country in a larger entity called ‘Great Britain.’” I was regaling the healthy snack delivery guy about my new discovery. I was also trying out my “English accent.” I had just started, but I thought it was going pretty well.

“Can you please sign? I have other snack box deliveries, man.”

“Well, in England, they’d say mate, not man.” I started scribbling on the notepad. Even my signature was becoming more English.

“Whatever. Enjoy your healthy snack gift box, my guy.” The delivery man walked out, and in walked Jerrica Stevens, the office manager.

“Ooh, is that my healthy snack box gift?” She remarked. I nodded. “Sho’ thing, guvna!”

Jerrica stopped in her tracks. I could tell she was impressed. “What was that accent you just used?”

“It’s a merry old English accent, love!” I beamed.

“Well, what a jolly old time!” She replied. Her accent was a bit off, but she got into the spirit. She snatched the box from my hands and ripped it open. “By the way, what does ‘English’ mean?”

I grinned from ear to ear. I was about to blow her bloody mind.

“Good morning, guvna. Fancy a watch on the telly?” I was back at Gerard’s desk. It had been a week since I first met him and watched that Wimbledon match, and I had more snack boxes for remote employees.

“Why are you talking like that?” He replied. He wasn’t watching Wimbledon anymore. Instead, he was playing games on his computer.

“Well, you’re the one who got me on this English train. I just ordered some monocles and teapots. They should be here on Thursday. On another note, what’s up with this snack magic track order?” I showed Gerard the invoice.

“Oh, snack magic is for employee snack boxes. There are different snack boxes for remote employees UK.”

“UK?” I asked.

“Come on, man, that’s the United Kingdom. How could you be in love with England and not know the UK?”

“Oh, you mean like Great Britain?” I replied. “Yeah, it’s the same thing. Anyway, are you making deliveries or what? I’m kind of in the middle of something.” Gerard just blew a zombie’s head off as he spoke.

“What’s wrong? You don’t like England?” I smirked. “Not that much. My family’s Irish, so, you know.”

“Irish?” I asked. My world was just about to get even bigger.

“Wait! Hold the lift!” I shouted. I was running down the hallway with snackmagic boxes under my arm. The employees in the building were getting addicted to their snack magic box subscriptions, so I was making more deliveries.

A lovely bird held the door open for me. As I rushed in, my monocle dropped to the floor and shattered. “Oh, bloody hell. Not another one!” I set the snackmagic boxes down and pulled another monocle from my pocket. “Thanks for holding the lift, love,” I remarked to the lady next to me. She just stared.

“Are you British?” She asked. I nodded - what harm would lying do? Besides, I was feeling more British every day. “Also, do you have the latest snack magic promo code? I need to order some boxes for my parents.”

I smiled and whipped out a promo code voucher for snackmagic UK. “Right here, love.” She took it and instinctively started kissing me.

“I love British accents.” She gasped as she wrapped her body around mine.

Suddenly, the door opened, and she retreated, pulling herself together. “What department do you work in?” she asked.

I gathered the boxes and exited the elevator. “Delivery services, love.” I then winked so hard that my monocle fell out again.

“Bloody hell!” I shouted again as the doors shut in my face.

“Happy Christmas, Linda. Are you going to touch your spotted dick, dear?” I asked. Linda stared at her plate, a bemused look on her face.

“What else is on the snack magic menu?” She asked.

It was December, and the entire office was drenched with English and British decor. Corporate was happy that we were the best snack delivery service in the region, so they wanted to throw a party. Since snack magic was the number one option, they decided to offer snackmagic best snacks as food.

I made the spotted dick myself as a way to celebrate my heritage and culture. I did one of those DNA tests and discovered that I was four and a half percent English. So I’ve basically been English my whole life. I had a lot of catching up to do.

“Top o’ the mornin to ya, Roger!” Jerrica appeared out of nowhere, carrying a glass of wine. She was pretty drunk already.

“That’s Irish, dear. I’m full-blooded English, my love.” I put another slice of spotted dick on a plate and handed it to her. “Here you go.”

Jerrica stared at the plate. “Actually, I’m full. Do you have any snack magic brands laying about?”

I pulled out a delicious snack package and handed it to her. It had a picture of the UK flag on it. “Thanks! Cheerio!”

It was January when a new recruit came into the office. At that point, the whole building was basically like a mini London. There were telly boxes everywhere, and some of the guys dressed up as Buckingham guards and stood in front of the lift all day. They had regular jobs before, but corporate loved the look, so they just pay them to stand there.

As I showed the recruit around the place, Dave Braubeck from HR came around the corner, waving a paper. “Snack magic reviews are in, mate!” He walked with a kilt billowing around his waist. The new guy wasn’t impressed.

I snatched the paper from Dave’s hand and read it. “Top five individual snack boxes, snack magic ranks as one of the best snack gift boxes we’ve ever tried.”

“That’s the best snack magic review I’ve ever seen!” Dave and I hugged.

“So, where am I going to be working exactly?” the new guy chimed in. “Also, is this like a British company?”

“This is about the British-est company you can find on the lower east side, mate. Tea?” I waved my hand to the tea cart coming down the hallway.

Dave took the paper back and made his way to Jerrica’s office. I knew she would love the news. As the tea cart approached, I pulled my cup out of my pocket.

“Um, what is that I’ll be doing? No one has shown me anything for the last two hours.”

“Tea first, then we’ll get to your training. What was your name again?” I poured myself a cup and added some cream and sugar.

“Leonard.”

“Well, if you want to fit in here, Leonard, you need to embrace our corporate culture first. First, tea, then work.”

I handed him a cup, and he took it reluctantly. I think Leonard would fit in just nicely.

A year had passed, and Wimbledon fever had gripped the office. It’s hard to believe that my life really started a year ago. Before then, I was just sleepwalking through this job and my life in general. Now, I was head of snack gift box deliveries, and I was on top of the world. I wound up marrying that girl from the elevator, and we’re working on our first baby.

We’re naming him Wimby.

I went back to Gerard’s desk. It had been a while since we’d seen each other. I don’t think he recognized me with the mustache and top hat.

“Cheerio, mate. I have some customizable snacks for your team.”

“Did England throw up on you or something?” He looked me up and down. I think he was impressed with my Union Jack onesie.

“God, I wish. Have you tried our new customize your own snack box yet?” I handed Gerard a box.

“No, not yet. Are they good?” He started to open the box.

“They’re bloody good, mate!”

“Wait, aren’t you the guy I showed that Wimbledon footage to a year ago?” Gerard paused.

“Yep. I wanted to thank you for saving my life.” I shook his hand.

“Whatever. What is it that you do again?”

I smiled. “Snack gift baskets, same-day delivery.” I tipped my hat and started walking down the hall.

“What does that even mean?” He remarked as I left.