Snack Box Healthy

The email was sent out to only the sales team. That’s me, Bobby, Sally, Jenna and Lou. The subject read: ADAPT OR DIE. I spat out the contents of my healthy snack subscription box when I read that. The sender was no one I had ever heard of, it just said: Tiberius. Now looking at the message box I see it has an address and a time: 346 Shuddupin Drive, 9:00 A.M. TODAY. Then a little footnote, “No police. No uninvited parties. Bring healthy packed lunch ideas for work.” I look over at Bobby and he’s trembling. What is this? At first I think to close out the email and go on about my work. but then a second email arrives from the same sender. There’s a picture of my open refrigerator at home, a gloved fist sitting menacingly over my half-eaten chicken parm. Dear god, it’s the universal symbol for “I’m about to punch your sandwich.” After a thirty-minute meltdown with the office therapist I gather the rest of the sales team, plot some healthy lunch ideas for whatever reason, and head toward the address. When we get to the address there is a gate, taller than the office and wide enough to fit five cars side by side. Lou steps out and walks up to an intercom. A tiny metal claw protrudes from the intercom and reaches out at him. “There’s a tiny camera inside,” he says as he inspects the claw. “SNACK BOX HEALTHY,” a voice shouts from the intercom, more robotic than human. “What?” Lou asks. Then the claw reaches and pinches Lou’s neck. “SNACK BOX HEALTHY,” it repeats. Lou turns to us for answers. I refer to my quickly drawn list of lunch ideas and whisper, “gluten-free cookies.”

We falter at the gate, considering what we have to gain by going this route when we have everything to lose. All they have on me is my half a chicken parm…but it was from Friggilio’s. God, it was from Friggilio’s. I put the car in drive. When we get inside the enclosure the gate shuts behind us. I tell the others to quickly start studying my list of healthy snack box ideas and best healthy snack subscription boxes. I don’t know what this is but I do know that healthy snack gift box delivery is at the center of it all. The path is miles long, winding through thick forest until we see a house in the distance. Calling it a house is inaccurate though, this is a compound. A city within the deep woods. At the door is a man in a tuxedo and a mask like the plague doctors of the olden days. “Healthy snack boxes for employees?” he asks, voice muffled through the mask. I step up and say, “Nuts, dried fruit, homemade granola.” The masked man swings the massive wooden door open and bows. Me and sales team step inside and are absolutely speechless.

Behind the doors is an exact replica of our office. Our desks, the contents upon and within them, the leaky water cooler. There are even fake windows with the office parking lot painted behind them. The same hum of the office air conditioner pervades. The south end of the replica smells of cigarettes, the end where workers go to sneak a smoke out the window at work. A second man in a mask asks us, “What are the best naturebox snacks?” Uh oh, I didn’t prepare for this one. I look back at my team but they are all pale and sweating, no help at all. “Well…when it comes to the nature box, I suppose…nuts, dried fruit, and homemade granola.” The man in the mask nods and bows, extending an arm to lead us to our desks. We all go and sit down at our respective desks, beyond confused. What is this place? In front of me is a piece of paper that reads, “nature box shampoo, nature box conditioner.” Shampoo? The email said nothing about shampoo. Where is my chicken parm? I look up and see a balcony with a hundred masked men staring down at us.

Suddenly the whole balcony of masked men start to laugh. Then they shout things down at us. “Nature box bearded dragon!” “Naturebox free box!” What the hell is going on? I shout back, “Where is my chicken parm you monsters?!” Then complete silence. The man with the plague doctor mask appears on the balcony and shouts down, “Your first riddle begins. Who is the founder of Naturebox Snacks Incorporated?” What kind of riddle is that? And why would we know that answer to that? Sally whispers to me, “That’s one of our clients. I remember because I traded the representative a membership for a naturebox subscription.” So I ask her if she remembers the founder of the company, but she has no idea. The masked man shouts down at her for the answer but she is gawking and stuttering. She ends up yelping Ronald McDonald. More shocked silence. “No,” the plague doctor says. Then two masked men step into the office and grab Sally by the arms. Before we even know what’s happening they drag Sally away, her shrieks getting quieter and quieter in this labyrinth of a mansion. “First riddle failed. We will try again,” the plague doctor says.

Before the plague doctor gave his second riddle I ask what we stand to win if we get these riddles correct. “A healthy snack subscription box 2021 edition for each of you?” Then I ask what we stand to lose if we don’t solve the riddles. “Everything,” he says. Then I ask what the deal is with these snack boxes, why do we need to have knowledge on healthy snack delivery and healthy lunch box ideas for adults? To which he answers, “Shut up.” I have no counter to that, so I concede and we continue with the riddles. “The second riddle…what is protocol for when treating with a first time customer?” Is this supposed to be a question about our company? Who are these people to know what our office looks like, to base riddles on our company? Nevertheless, I have no idea what the answer is. I keep my head down in hopes that someone else will know, and luckily for me Lue leaps to his feet. “I know! We recommend the most expensive package and don’t stop insisting until the client gives in!” Even I knew that was wrong. So came the masked men for Lue.

I look around and the desks are emptying quickly. Me, Bobby and Jenna meet eyes. What are we going to do? We all slack off at work, we have no idea what the answers to these riddles are. “Do you have snack boxes for remote employees?” the plague doctor asks. “Is that the riddle?” I respond, to which he says no, he’s just curious. I pick up a stapler and chuck it up at the masked men on the balcony. “What about snack box ideas for toddlers?” the plague doctor asks. Then Bobby and Jenna chuck their staplers too. “Very well,” the plague doctor says, “the third riddle…what do you do when a coworker has been missing from work for an extended period of time?” Bobby stands and shouts, “What, like, if he’s been abducted by freaks in masks?” And just like that, Bobby himself, is abducted by the freaks in masks. The last thing I hear him scream from behind a series of doors is, “If I said I didn’t have any snack box ideas for adults, why then would I have any healthy snack boxes for adults?” Am I in one of Dante’s nine circles of hell?

“Your last chance,” the plague doctor says, “tell me what you know about snack boxes for virtual meetings.” At this point I am beyond confused and more than a little frustrated. I say I don’t know. “Monthly snack subscription boxes, perhaps? Healthy snack box no subscription necessary? Tell us the best snack subscription boxes!” I stand and throw my replica chair. I bash my fists on the desk, “What kinds of questions are these? If I didn’t know any better, I would assume that there’s a bunch of aliens behind those masks, aliens tasked to learn about humanity via our snack box tendencies.” There is a shocked silence on the balcony, then suddenly beams of light come down over every masked man. They all start to hover off the balcony, screaming in ecstasy, “Snack boxes! Snack boxes! Snack boxes!” Then they vanish into the ceiling and beyond. What the hell? I grab Jenna and we search the mansion for the others. We find them in a dark room in front of computers. “They made us write book reports!” Bobby says. “I didn’t even know people wrote books about snack boxes!” We run out of the house and never look back.