Jane Russet is my boss. That's her real name, I'm not making this up - although you may think that I'm joking by the time you get to the end of this story. Before the pandemic, she was the boss everyone wanted because she's kind of vague and sweet and lets her employees get away with anything. Lockdown has been hard for her. Back when we worked in the office, she was always pretty stressed out because her staff is out of control. We've always been the trouble-makers of the office. Back when we worked in the office, we used to play practical jokes on each other, disconnecting each other's phones, hiding the printers, filling each other's cubicles with workplace snack boxes. We never did anything harmful to each other or company property, but we spent a lot more time messing around than we did doing actual work. I think we got away with it because we'd always get the job done at the last minute and pull it off better than any other team in the office. I guess in that way we were the office hot shots. Anyway, a couple years ago, we all started working from home and meeting over Zoom during the day. Jane has a hard time with Zoom. Sometime in the beginning of the pandemic, we all turned on our Zoom filters to look like office snacks. Jane wanted to join in the fun and show us that she can be cool. She turned on her filter to look like a potato and has never figured out how to turn it off. It's been over a YEAR and we're all convinced one of her kids must be messing with her. Every day, there she is. Looking like a potato. Not long ago she sent us all some snack boxes for work and we all sat around eating them together while we engaged in the usual banter - talking about reality television and our holiday plans instead of normal work stuff. Jane the potato stuffed her face with baked potato chips and we all had a laugh.

Jane takes it all in stride. Her troubles with technology are similar to her other troubles in the office. Here's an example of how life for Jane is kind of hard. One day, she decided that she was going to surprise everyone on the team with gift boxes for remote employees. She mailed us each a package containing a virtual conference gift box. Each package had a nice note with words of encouragement taped to the box. The notes said things like, "Do your best!" and "Thanks so much for contributing to the team!" But somehow, her grand gesture of appreciation turned into a big joke when she mixed up the packages before sending them through the mail. See, Jane has a mail order toilet paper subscription. Her toilet paper is delivered to her doorstep every month. She saves all the boxes and uses them for gift giving and sending things through the mail. Anyway, there was a mix-up with her mail-order toilet paper subscription and she received five extra boxes of toilet paper in the mail, which she then needed to return. She sent our gifts and the toilet paper all through the mail at the same time. You probably know where this is going: she sent the snack boxes for remote employees uk to her toilet paper subscription company, and the toilet paper to us. My box arrived with a note on it in Jane's careful handwriting: "Just a little special something to enjoy when you really need it." I opened it up expecting snack boxes for remote employees, and instead saw 10 rolls of quilted toilet paper.

Anyway, she's had the potato filter on her Zoom account since the start of the pandemic. She leads our team meetings every morning eating those virtual party food boxes. One of the things about Jane is that she smiles all the time - I mean, she's a really nice lady. But lately, her smile has become more vacant and she's started saying less and less in the team meetings. Sometimes her eyes are squinty now. I don't know how else to put this: she's starting to act like a potato. When she talks, she throws in words about "spuds" and "eyes" and "starch." I mean, what does that even mean? Who knows. I can't really explain it. But it's happening before our eyes. It's been changing her. Crazy. I'm not the only person who has noticed this: we sit there in our team meetings and eat our virtual event boxes and throw each other meaningful glances. We pretend like we're all signing off of Zoom when the meeting is over, but she logs off and we all stay on. As we eat our care packages for virtual meetings, we discuss the ways that Jane seems to be changing.

COVID is never a laughing matter. Well, I mean, not the topic itself. It's not funny and never will be. But some side results of it, like our boss becoming a potato for over a year, is just nuts. If you're wondering about the other ways that she seems to be a potato, here are some examples. 1) She slouches a lot more than she used to. It gives her a more rounded appearance, like she's becoming an oval. Pre-pandemic, she was very conscious of her posture and was always sitting sideways to look at her own reflection in the mirror in the office, to see whether her back was straight or not. 2) She's started wearing a lot of brown. Recently, I noticed that her shirt was actually a rough texture like a potato sack. As she ate her customizable snacks during our meeting, little flecks of potato chip would stick to her shirt, and when she noticed enough to brush it off, I could see that the shirt itself was made of burlap. 3) She keeps talking about how her customizable snack box doesn't have enough potatoes in it. 4) When she puts the food from her snack box custom in her mouth, I've noticed her fingers are getting pudgy and round. They look like little fingerling potatoes. Damn, we all can't wait to meet her in person. I'm so curious if it sticks.

The last thing I'd want anyone to think is that we don't all have a soft spot (no pun intended) for her. I sent her a snack box delivery the other day because I wanted her to know how much I appreciated her. I'm afraid that maybe some of her trouble is depression or some kind of mental condition that might come from living underground (her home is a basement apartment) and staying indoors for too long. I sent her the best snack box I could think of because I wanted her to know how much I appreciated her and the create your own snack box treat that she sent me. She's a really nice lady who lives with her two obnoxious kids who really walk all over her. I worry that maybe her mental health is in some kind of a decline now that she's stuck at home during COVID.

Totally weird moment the other day: I was talking about this restaurant we went to before the pandemic (yay restaurants) and there was this awkward moment when I talked about their potato hash. Jane started to lean in as she munched on her healthy snack boxes for work. The baked potato chips were crunching in her mouth as she chewed almost violently, while little bits and crumbs were flying all over the place. She asked "what about the potato hash?" She asked me to describe - in detail - what I loved about the potato hash. Her beady little potato eyes were shining. I was starting to get a little uncomfortable because she asked me to describe the texture of the potatoes when she accidentally spilled her healthy snack box and the healthy snack delivery went flying everywhere. It was at that point I started to worry that maybe Jane had been swapped for an alien potato.

All throughout, she's been amazing sending us gifts on Amazon. The other day I received a snack box delivery with extra - you guessed it - baked potato chips. They kind of remind me of her now. The note on the box said, "to my little Potato - this snack delivery is for your wonderful contributions to the team!" I have no idea what it means that she's calling me her "little Potato." I'm also not sure what it means that she seems to be turning into a potato but eats potato chips nonstop. She's...a cannibal? I also wonder what Amazon would do to their employees if they all did this. Anyway, I will continue to enjoy Jane Russet's surprise snack box deliveries. Filled with baked potato chips. Her kindred.